I’m sorry I let you down

I’m so sorry I let you down, you have always been here for me even when I wasn’t here for you ! Thinking back there were a lot of things you tried to tell me but I wasn’t ready to listen. I know the last 6 months have been quite a roller coaster but I miss you. 

Sorry I didn’t listen.

I remember when it started, this time.I got a new promotion at work and I thought it was the best choice for both of us. I thought it was what we were waiting for, finally, our chance to make real money. But it was to much, my new job took me away from you. The stress and anxiety I had I couldn’t handle so I put it on you,  it hurt you and made you sick. 

I still didn’t listen!

I’ll never forget that Monday morning, you had had enough and cried out to me one last time!

A-fib with extreme tachycardia were the words they used! This was it I was going to die I thought. I spent 4 days in the hospital with you, the first three days were spent mostly in tears, I was afraid I was never going to see my loved ones again. The fourth day brought terror, terror like I’ve never known! 

” in order to fix your heart we have to stop it first”

Words no one ever wants to hear!

Now I’m listening!

One shock was all it took! I was back and headed home. You were so tired and just wanted to be home and why not it was Christmas Eve. We had a long road to recover and now there were new challenges in our life …. Meds …my blood pressure was high but that didn’t worry us as much as the afib returning did. 

So, now sleeping is a bitch because I can’t feel my heart beat ( which apparently I’m not supposed to feel ) but I can feel everything else inside my body! And I’m trying to get used to meds and I know this is taking a toll on you as well. 

I listened again…

Anxiety and stress were real, and we had both! It came down to two choices you or career. The decision I made in the blink of an eye, this was simple.

You, I chose you.

After leaving the office of my director I enjoyed a very relieved ride to work.  Knowing that we would be able to come together again as one ! 

I listened, I’m with you, no sedentary life for us, we will get stronger! 

We will be one, again!

So again, I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you when we were younger. I’m sorry I didn’t listen all those times you tried to warn me that we were in trouble. I’m sorry I let the negativity of others affect us in such an awful way. 

It will not happen again! 

A torch must be lit!

oh where to begin, how does someone approach a subject that has been the cause of so many debates? I guess an easy way would be to get me fired up about it! 

There is an amazing new outlook that will very soon change the fitness world forever! The Body Positive Fitness Alliance believes with all of their hearts and souls that fitness isn’t just for the elite, it’s for all of us! It believes in a judgement free place where the elite will train next to someone on the first day of there fitness journey! A very real place where we can learn to love the skin we’re in and make healthy choices to guide us to be the best versions of ourselves!  There is  https://www.facebook.com/bodypositivefitnessalliance and http://www.bodypositivefitness.org/

So heres my point and yes for some of the men out there this may sting a bit…. We’re not perfect, and that’s ok! STOP comparing yourself to the guy next to you at the gym because guess what he doesn’t care about you! If you constantly try to be someone else you will never find happiness in your own skin! Stop worrying about the things you HAVE and focus on the things you ARE. For example.

I am strong!

I am loyal!

I am focused!

I am funny!

Then….

I have an unhealthy addiction with the behavior of eating.

I have poor self-esteem.

I have Difficulty not taking work home.

The “I have” list should not define your life. So what ARE you? 

Now, I know that some of you are already fully aware of these truths and to those few I thank you. Unfortunately this blog is not for you. this blog is for the guys that are uncomfortable going to a gym full of muscle heads, for the guys who think that fitness is a goal they will never achieve, for the guys that think so little of themselves, for the guys that think the journey is just to big. 

I know who you are.

 I see you in line In front of me buying two drinks so the cashier won’t think all the food is just for you. I see you circling the parking lot at the store three times till a spot opens up close to the door. I see the look on your face when you order your clothes online because no store carries your size. I hear your heart break when you hear the voice of a child in the grocery store say ” wow, look at that fat man”! Trust me, I know .

I know this kind of hurt is real! I know that people can be cruel and that society isn’t much better!  

Just remember you are more than just what people see on the outside. Your shell is changeable. And don’t be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone. Most men feel they need a man as a coach, not this guy! Danielle, my coach pushes me everyday. And a plus she does it with out puffing up her chest and flexing in the mirror.

FOLLOW ME!

My shell does not define me, one day my shell will be where it’s supposed to be. in the gym I work hard! For me fitness has become my happiness, I learn as much as I can and love you work out with others. 

Someone needs to light a torch for men to join our community, so I’m putting in my application!

Follow me.. join me.. Lift with me.. Sweat with me.. Share with me.. Grow with me.. Grow stronger with me.. We will change for the better together!

  

The wait was killing me, so…

today started out like every other Wednesday. Once I was awake and out of zombie mode ( for the most part ) I packed my food and got dressed to head to Vena’s secrets, except this morning was different I was an hour early. Now, if you know me at all you know that patience is not a virtue I cling to very well. I figured my weigh in was a month away so to get a heads up I would go in, get my numbers (I figured 610-620 ) then keep it a secret.

So far I think this is a great plan.

I move to the desk at the dr’s office like I own the place.

“I’m here to use the scale”

I get a wink and a gesture toward the door where I’m met by a young male nurse. He preps the scale and pulls my info up on the computer then gives me the A-okay to hop on.

” holy shit !, wow that was unprofessional ”

“What ?”

The kid does a double take from his screen to the scale and says …597.6!!!

“HOLY SHIT!”

I’ve not only met my goal but I did it 30 days early! That’s 100 lbs gone! Like, forever. 

The next couple hours go as follows; email my wife ( await her call ), drive to riverbank tell Danielle, cry, take the wife’s call, cry, say good morning to Vena, cry again…. Through all the hugs and congratulations things started popping up in my head. 

After our first clients of the day left I turned to Danielle and in almost a whisper…

” D. This is crazy I’ve killed my goal and I’ve had some really bad food days ”

I won’t give you a complete list but let’s just say I’m no stranger to a 20 piece mc nugget meal and a coke. Her response will bring me to my point..

” I know, eating a cheeseburger is ok but eating ONLY cheeseburgers is probably not ok.”

…so a woman I hold quite dear to my heart told me that 100lbs gives me a bit of a soap box so here goes….

So far in my 8 month journey I’ve seen many people quit for no other reason than ” it’s just not coming off fast enough” well shit, this isn’t witchcraft and there is no magic pill or drink this is science.

The energy you burn > the energy you consume

And don’t get confused that doesn’t mean you can continue a Sedentary life and cut your calories to 1200! It’s unhealthy and you need more calories just to run you internal organs. remember It took work to add the weight on so it will take real work to get the weight off! Danielle always say ” fall in love with the process and results will come ” this is an amazing truth. At LifestyleU we have so much fun working out we don’t have time to worry about lbs and inches.

So humbly, I beg you, please don’t quit! Please love the body you have, love it so much you want it to be as healthy as it can be! Please trust the people you call coach or trainer or teacher, ask questions and know that your success is what drives them. Above all please be patient results will come, you can do this, I believe in you!

So Please, move more!

Please, choose life!

Deadlifts saved my life !

  So here we are. You are now caught up in this crazy journey, and i now find myself having feelings for things I i have never had feelings For before. 

  it’s true this lifestyle has gotten ahold of me and it feels to right to be wrong.  Nutrition, exercise  and even the body and how it works are the only thing I really think about all the time. I know that the things that make you happy in life change through out your life but this change I never saw coming. I expected this lifestyle change to be something that I had to fight, more like a chore, something I had to do to live. That was not the case, this was easy. 

So Danielle and I started with lots of different exercise  but one amazing day she introduced me to an incredible athlete named Krissy Mae kagney, she was fit and by the looks of it one bad bitch! she was deadlifting!

” wanna try that shit?”

Danielle’s smile was from ear to ear, now I had to try. So we loaded a barbell and I stepped up.

Ass down…. 

Head up…. 

Back straight…. Up we go! 

The cold steel in my hands felt like it belonged there, it felt like the steel had a purpose and the iron was begging to be manhandled! Strength, real strength I haven’t felt in a long time. 

Set after set, rep after rep my body begged me to stop but my spirt was on fire!

 My leggs trembled with fatigue… One more rep!

My fingers losing grip fast… One more rep!

My entire body echoed with screams of joy and pain… One .. More … Rep!

With the breath stolen from my chest I smiled at Danielle.

” holy shit that felt amazing, we’re doing that shit all the time”

“Hell yeah ” was all she said as she stepped up to the bar. 

We finished our workout and walked out of the gym like we owned the place. Us, a 5’5″ fit woman and her 6’5″ 640lbs client just crushed the deadlifts in a gym that hasn’t seen deads in a long time. 

So, Like I said before I was hooked, deadlifts saved my life. That simple movement lit a fire in my soul to push myself to be better,to be stronger and I WILL .. NOT.. FAIL!

So I leave you with this, find YOUR deadlifts! Find that thing that makes your soul burn with excitement and do it! 

The 15 days won’t ruin your hard work….right?

So we move forward another month.  I’m back at Vena’s secrets for another measure day and the results continue to pour in.  Another 5 and a 1/2 inches gone!!! But this time something strange also happens…I’ve gained an inch on my biceps! It’s working!!! Growing lean muscle, my body was feeling stronger and stronger everyday

…..BUILD LEAN MUSCLE….. 

This chant runs through my head nearly all day long. Except for when it changes to

…..FOOD IS FUEL…..

Though I’d be lying if I said my cheating brain didn’t throw in a few CUPCAKES ARE GOOD every now and then, lol. 

Now, having said all that, in the darkest corner of my mind was a teeny tiny part of me that was scared to death for the next two weeks. Thanksgiving was right around the corner and we all know what that means…lots of food. Salty, starchy, sweet and scrumptious food. Food so good your soul smiles. So incredibly  delicious, your body is forced into the most perfect nap. 

“My God, I’m going to gain it all back!”

Petrified of what she was going to say, I asked Danielle after one of our workouts if this was going to be an issue.

“Eat” 

Was all she said with a big smile on her face. She went on to talk about how one day, one week, even 15 days of not perfect eating is not going to erase months of clean eating. Wait, let me back up a bit.

This…Is…NOT…A…Diet! 

I eat carbs, I eat fats, I eat natural sugar. I just do it differently than I was taught in the past. You see, my way wasn’t working. My way got me to 698lbs. So I was ready and willing to try someone else’s way of clean eating five times a day and real excersize.

The day finally came and my family had food, glorious food. I piled my plate high with turkey, stuffing, rolls, cranberry sauce and gravy. I know what your thinking “no pumpkin pie Scott?” Oh, you know I did! The meal was delicious, and I was off to work.  

Work was going well for about an hour, then it happened. Pain. Unbelievable pain my stomach felt like I was being sliced open. A pain I don’t wish on anyone. Accompanied by the pain was bloating. I suffered through my shift. I went home and tried to sleep it off. Nope, no chance, that didn’t work. The second day was even worse. For the first time I had to call Danielle and cancel the workout for that day. I felt like I was letting her down. She worked so hard with me. I owed her to much. Dr. Nguyen it is. I emailed my Doctor and set up a phone call. We talked about the pain and the bloating. Then he asked what I’ve changed in the last couple months. 

“Have you got more that a few minutes Dr.?”

He was blown away at my results so far. Then he hit me with something I wasn’t ready for…Gluten poisoning. My body had decided after months of clean eating that it no longer had use for gluten and treated it like an allergen, a poison. Imagine that, the things I had stuffed down my Dorito chute for years had never been good for me! So let me end with this…

Listen to your body. 

When it needs rest, rest. When it’s hungry, feed it. When it wants to work, push it. And most importantly YOU ARE WORTH IT!

The moment when doubt becomes trust.

The next couple weeks I had become the Jeckel and Hyde of excitement and doubt. At the gym we worked hard. After only a few sessions, we were pushing each other to go beyond our limits. Our plan was to not rely only on cardio to burn calories, but to have resistance training as our main workout (build more muscle to burn more fat) I did my cardio at night swimming at the gym pool alone. 

This journey so far had been full of emotions, lots of ups and downs. It started with headaches and doubt. Then there’s trying to eat all your food and doubt. Soon though, the headache is gone and now you are feeling things you haven’t felt in a long time…..

 

E-N-E-R-G-Y!!! Holy cow I had energy. I woke up and I had it, had it after the gym, after cleaning the house, after 8 hours of work even had enough to go swim for an hour after work at midnight. And still I had doubts.

My dreaded measuring day was quickly approaching and my anxiety was getting the better of me. My brain refused to believe the facts. I was walking faster, moving easier, feeling stronger, had less pain and could walk further and further everyday.

Then the day came, 30 days after my very first day with Danielle and LifestyleU. The day started out normal, oatmeal for breakfast then straight to the gym. We had a great workout and talk followed by my second breakfast at home. My nerves were on overdrive and I was petrified. If this didn’t work, I was as good as dead. So I drove to Vena’s Secrets and walked inside. As usual, I was greeted like I was family. We sat for a few minuets just talking in the huge bay window and then it was time. I stood like a scarecrow while Danielle and Pam (another of Vena’s team) started measuring and writing.

“Do you want to know one at a time or wait till the end?”

Inside I was going crazy

“All at once please”

She sat down and started tallying. She looked up at me…with a look on her face like she was trying to hold back tears, she turned the small notebook around. This was the moment…..the moment when doubt became trust…

19 and a half inches GONE!!!

The emotion hit me like a tidal wave. I lost control, I couldn’t speak

“Thank You”

Was the only thing I could get out. While I hugged Danielle I thought “This was it, I AM GOING TO LIVE! I called my wife and we shared a moment, which is one of the moments I save for her and I. 

19 1/2 inches!?!??? 19 1/2 inches!!!!! I was now in control of my life. We took a quick picture and posted it.

 She had my trust. My excitement carried on to the next day, and the next. I knew I wasn’t done jumping over hurdles, but now I was ready to face the next one.

It all ends and begins with food

So with our menus in hand and excitement in our hearts we shopped, cooked and prepped our food. We kept it simple for our first week. Nothing crazy, just simple clean food. We oven roasted red potatoes, bacon and green beans in coconut oil, hard boiled eggs, baked chicken and carrot sticks. Once it was all prepped and loaded in the fridge something hit me.. With no unhealthy options in the fridge, I now had no excuses…no reasons to cheat. The only person I could hold accountable now for my failure was me!!!

Then came the first day Danielle and I were in the gym. We started on a Wednesday (this will be relevant in a moment) I had a feeling things were going to be rough when she looked at me with a big grin and said…..

“Ready for leg day?”

I was not!!! Squats, kick backs, good mornings and calf raises put me in the mood to practically crawl out of the gym. We talked out in the parking lot for a few minutes about fears and goals. These talks would soon become more like therapy for me.

The next five days were a combination of forcing myself to eat all my meals and unbelievable, unyielding pain. Stairs, driving, and toilets were now my worst enemy. The following Tuesday scared the hell out of me because while I laid in bed I knew what tomorrow was…..leg day.

After a week of clean eating and hitting the gym like I never have before, Danielle and I had another talk. We touched on a few nutritional things. Then we spoke about how prepping worked for me, how taking the options away allowed me to make better choices. Driving home I broke down because for the first time I was able to say not only to myself but also to my coach…..

I AM a food addict. I AM a slave to laziness and bad decisions. Food to me was poison and I had had enough. 

My life starting at 698 lbs

For months my wife had told me about a friend of hers she has known for many years who had become a Life Coach. For a long time I had many “man, I really need to get healthy” moments followed by extremely quick and what I thought were rational excuses. Needless to say my way was not working, I needed help and I needed it quick. 

In September of 2014 my list of health issues were rapidly getting out of control. My downward spiral had only one inevidible outcome, Death. 

My life at this point was stagnant. To the world I was a fat nuisance put here for you to point and laugh at. A freak you use to teach your kids to “eat your vegetables or you will look like him”. To my family a very loving, but, extremely lazy father and husband. Going to the park was a chore. Not to mention, I had to know where we were going because I didn’t fit in a lot of chairs in public places. All of these things broke my heart every day. So, one quiet night at home, I mustered the courage and reached out.

October 20th 2014 my life changed forever! With my loving wife by my side we drove to Vena’s Secrets. A place I would come to love, but, for now a terrifying place! When we arrived, I sat in the truck as if it was judgement day and my name had been called, this was it…..Danielle was standing in the doorway. She was wearing yoga pants, a tank top, a pony tail and at 140lbs, she was more intimidating to me than wrestling a grizzly bear!!! My wife and Danielle talked for bit, catching up with each other. I sat and listened to them anxiously waiting. Then she turned to me and said here’s what we are going to do…..

“Eat MORE food!?! Are you nuts? You know I’m here to lose weight right ?” 

“I have a plan” she says. She then talked about things like low glycemic index, clean foods, meal prepping, all things that were foreign to me. We then settled on meeting at the gym three days a week to train, sweat and work my ASS OFF!!! I left feeling uneasy as to how this could possibly work, but, I trusted Danielle. I was not sure why…..yet.